I think I am retiring my blog. How sad for it. We've been through some rough times together, but I feel as though if I need to move on and get better, then this is one of the things I need to drop. I'm not going to delete it or anything, because I like to go back and read the archives. Too many good, bad, and bittersweet memories are on here to throw it away. I might come back to visit now and then, but other than that- it's the end of an era. I'll be blogging on MySpace, because I visit that more than anything else and it's slowly starting to take over the world. So why not?

I'll leave it with a song. Because it's a good one to leave on.

"Greetings in Braille"- The Elected

If my senses fail,
stay with me until they go
cause I don't wanna be alone.
Greetings in braille,
they'll describe everything.
colors aren't everything.

And if you see me
down at the liquor store,
please don't tell my dad.
And if you see my dad
down at the liquor store,
don't tell me anything at all.

And the people you brought were just drainpipes
bringing trash to the ground.
And the memories are
picture cards, one night stands, and break downs.

You were cold, tired, and
old as you ever looked that night.
We were warned, yeah,
we were warned not to stay out too late.
But some things were worth
getting in trouble for.

So now that you finally failed
just like like you said you would,
down to the last detail.
Well if living's such hell,
here's to your dying days.
You won't have to be afraid.

And the heroes you met
where just fiction, yeah
with high expectations.
And your friends grew up
faster than you, got successful...
They told you to keep it up,
good comes to those who work.

And the stories they told you were true, babe.
Your mom really went crazy.
But that doesn't have to be you, no.

Now I miss Tara and Melissa,
Alan and Sean,
and you'll never have friends
like you did when you were younger.
Bodies were pulled away
and swept out to the sea.
And I'd call and say hi
if I thought you'd remember me.
Cause some things are worth
leaving memories for.

If my senses fail,
stay with me til they go
cause I don't wanna be alone.
Greetings in braille
should describe everything
cause you can't see anything from here.
from here
there's nothing at all
nothing at all

Does anyone else like Belle & Sebastian? I'm kind of obsessed.

Mike Hagan is leaving me. I'm so sad about it. It's just not going to be the same anymore. Just a part of those changes I felt coming on.

You should eat the fruit cups at Panera. They are muy sabrosa.

I am going to see Ben Folds tomorrow. And I'm freaking excited. I also get to see Suzie tomorrow. It's been MONTHS!!!! Tomorrow will be a good day.

I've paid my part of our first month's rent at our new apartment. If you have to ask who the other half of our is, then you are out of the loop. Another of the changes.

Seriously, though. I'm freaking sad about Mike. We had the best day the other day. Fun-filled, I tell you!

This blog sounded kind of drug-enduced.
It wasn't.
At least I don't think it was??
Lack of sleep enduced is more like it. Minus the hyphens.

Is EVERYONE getting married? Not gonna lie, it makes me pretty disgruntled. Getting engaged so quickly is like a plague around these parts. Some of my friends have gotten engaged like *that*, and they'll probably read this and probably get defensive and it's their life and they're happy with their decision and blah blah blah. That's fine. I just don't get it. I mean, I understand the whole idea that if you know deep down that this person is the one you are going to marry, you tend to get that feeling pretty quickly. But why get married so fast? Can't you just enjoy the person and get to know them? You are young. You have your whole lives to spend together. Learn to be independent of each other. Learn what you like to do when they're not around.
I'm not saying that I'm not happy for those out there who have gotten/are getting married/engaged really quickly. Because you seem elated, and that's wonderful.
I'm getting off my box so as to not offend anyone else or bring down the joy.

In other news, I'm sad. I've been crying a lot lately, and I hate it. Every year I think that it will be different. That I won't get depressed and I won't cry or have anxiety. And I don't have a good answer for why. Except that I feel like I have to. I try to fight it, I do. But I lose every time. It's been four years. You would think that something would be different. I will say that this past year has felt different. Like I didn't think about it or be sad about it as often. A few things have set me off, like this one guy who came into Panera with his daughter and he was acting just like Dad would and the daughter was acting just like I would. It made me miss him so much. I actually had to go to the bathroom and cry. That has never happened really, but man that guy and his daughter upset the crap out of me. I had lots of emotions about it- sadness, anger, jealousy... Other than that, things of that nature have been good.
Until now. I was fine until Mom and Tammy mentioned doing something "special" for my birthday. When really, all I want to do on my birthday is curl up and cry. I don't look forward to it anymore. I fucking hate it. I FUCKING HATE IT!!!! I just want to scream and make myself stop being like this every year. But I can't. I can't stop it. And that's what makes me hate it even more. I feel like I might need to see someone about it all, but who has the money to do that? Not me. And the time? Ha!
I'm bitter, I'm cynical, I'm sad, I'm jealous, I'm hateful, I'm hurt, I'm sad, I'm resentful, I'm nothing positive. I'm sad that no one knows how I feel, that I can't open up to anyone close to me about it, that nothing anyone can say can make me feel better, that it's the same crap every year, and that you all are probably sick of hearing about it, that I don't care if you are. I don't want it to be like this. I'm tired of faking. I'm over it. I'm over a lot of things. It's time for a change, because I have had it.

Sporadic blog time.

I only had to work this morning, so this evening I have managed to find myself with nothing to do. Kind of nice. I did laundry. ...and that's my night.

Today is Chrissy and Suzie's birthday. February is always so event-filled. I like this month.

News of the moment: I plan on quitting Panera at the end of March. Mostly because I am always grumpy and exhausted and don't do much else but work. I was going to quit by the end of this month, but changed my mind. I'll probably change my mind again because that's what I do.

I feel big changes coming on. Some of them I like, some of them I don't. The don't make me sad, but the like make me really hopeful and excited.

My sister has a new boyfriend. I didn't mention him when they first started dating because I didn't want to jinx it like I have before. He seems really great for her, but his name is Tommy. Tammy and Tommy. Oy freaking vey. He got her diamond earings for Christmas and a ruby ring for her birthday. Quite the jewelry buyer. I like him for her, I do, and she's really happy and that's what I like to see.

One last thing, because I'm a jerk, but this is only payback:






Oh, how I love Mike Hagan.

I agree.

The time has been unacceptable. My only excuse is that I work too much and nothing interesting happens on a regular basis. That's part of my problem with blogging. I think I have to be interesting. I never wanted to be one of those bloggers whose entries included every mundane detail of their day, or those who blog for the sake of blogging. I need a happy mdium. you know- blogs of the old days where I talked about what was on my mind or something fun/not fun that happened to me during the day. *sigh*

Let's regroup, yeah?

Where did I leave you? Aah, yes. That one manager who I hated. I actually don't think I blogged about it much, but I despised him. Whenever they called me into work, he was the main reason why I never answered or called back. Because there was a chance he might be there. Anyway, turns out he was stealing money. Which makes me hate him even more. Because he was such a pompous, by-the-rules bastard who made us get our hours cut. And the whole time he was stealing money. Hypocricy has got to be my biggest pet-peave. He has since been fired, and I actually come to work with little dread.

Retail during Christmas, and Panera for that matter, was miserable. Probably the biggest reason for me not blogging. I hated every second of it. I hatehatehate Christmas, and this year reinforced it even more. I had to work on Christmas, then my mom and sister came up when I got off. It was pretty fun, but I still can't stand the holidays.

I'll bring you up to now and talk about Panera first. Friday night they threw us a party. They even closed early so everyone could make it. That's cool because you know that no other job would do that. We had "awards" where I got the 'Just in Time' award because I'm consistantly late, but they're glad I make it. I could change it into the 'At Least I Showed Up' award...but I think that would be more for Walgreens. I thought it was funny. At least they came up with something quirky for me and I didn't get something generic. They also gave me a $20 gift card to Target. Everyone got $20 gift cards to somewhere. What did I get from Walgreens? A mug. A mug with some pictures of Walgreens stores on it. Neat. Employees who worked there for more than a year got gift cards...to Walgreens... oh jeeze. After the "awards ceremony" we went bowling. By the way, Zach came with me, and there's this kid Jason who works with me and is very excitable--he reminds me of the Davii--and he was all excited to meet Zach and he hugged him. Zach got hugged. And it was awkward and hilarious...for me. Zach pretty much curled up inside himself aaand I laughed. Oh man, did I laugh! Bowling was fun, except for a few annoying coworkers who I never work with anyway. All and all, I really love working there. I HATE the hat, but you can't love everything. Oh wait! I do have one fun story- I burned the crap out of my hand on a rack that came straight from the oven. Someone switched the cool rack that had been sitting there all day with a brand new, firey hot one shortly before I decided I needed to move it. I screamed! I cried! I surprisingly didn't cuss! And then one of my managers was like, "wanna sit this one out until you feel better?" ...thanks coach? And then he gave me a cookie. I pouted and ate my cookie. I was five years old for the rest of the day.

Now on to Walgreens. If I didn't get paid so nicely, and if I didn't like a majority of my coworkers...I would have quit. Mr. Money-Stealer is gone, Christmas is over, horriblehorrible customers aren't so prevelant, I got invited to a strip club, Nick Reeser isn't in a pissy mood every day, Mikey Hagan is still there, and I finally get a day off now and then...I think I'll stay. The place is still pretty ridiculous, but not so much anymore.

Did I tell you I got TWO tickets in ONE day? Of course I didn't- I never blog. Wellll, I did. The first one was in Bloomington going 43 in a 30. The cops here give you your license back which was handy for later that night when I was in Macon and apparently ran a stop sign. I probably paused a second and went on just because it was an intersection...not because I saw a stop sign. I was like- "stop sign? Macon has stop signs?!? Oh yeah..there was one...how 'bout that." So now I have two tickets and no license. That happened January 3rd. Way to start the new year.

I thiiink I've pretty much caught you up. Zach's and my 3-year anniversary is coming up. That's freaking crazy. We might be going to Chicago to see The Elected. I hope so anyway.

That is all. See you in three months...kidding!

I am vapor.

I will update and blog when december is over.

because this month is stupid.

I've been sick, y'all. It was wicked last weekend. I even called in sick on Sunday to Walgreens and Monday to Panera. I called Walgreens at 8am...SIX HOURS before I was even supposed to be there and the biggest asshole of all manager was like, "Oh yeah? Well, call me at one and we'll go from there." So I set my alarm to wake me up to make sure I was coherent enough to tell him I was still sick at one and I called and he said, "Well, the closing manager isn't going to like that because she doesn't know how to run photo." Um, I called you six hours ago. You couldn't have found someone to cover for me? This store has to be the most unorganized store ever.

Anyway, I'm still sicky, just not so bad. I kind of think I have bronchitis. Webmd.com is telling me all about it. Apparently, if it is accute (it probably is because I've never had it before), it should last less than six weeks if I don't treat it with a himidifier or something. I don't really need to go to the doctor either. Hooray.

Christmas is coming up. Neat.

People have asked me if I have gotten all of my Christmas shopping done. And basically I have. Because I don't have many people to shop for. Which is kind of nice, but it makes me sad too. I like getting gifts for people. I hatehatehate the hooplah surrounding the holidays.

I can't wait until January.

Ooooh, facebook. I'm obsessed a little. It's like the most impersonal high school reunion ever. Aaaand I love it. How 'bout when it comes to that time for our ten year that we just skip the get-together and do it via the internet. For the past four years I didn't give a damn about these people and now all of a sudden I want to know what they are up to. Like Michelle Young! I haven't seen her since longer than four years, and now I know she lives in New York being awesome.

What's happened since we last gathered? The free haircut day didn't end up happening. We still had a day, just minus the free haircuts. Turns out our deal is by appointment only. We're dumb. We still have a few months to use it though. The day was not a total waste, for it was spent with my Whit girls where we ate sooo much food and spent tooo much money. I got magnets with asian pin-up girls on them. you.are.jealous.

Gep and Amy's baby is adorable. I haven't seen her in person, and I probably won't get to because they are leaving for JAPAN at the end of the month and I have to freaking work work work. But, this is what she looks like. Oooh and awww if you will:




It's probably a good thing I didn't see her in person, because I would definitely have stolen her. So fast.

I have to work on Thanksgiving. Piss off.

One fun thing about Walgreens is that Lone Star is feeding us (walgreens employees) free food tonight. Kind of random and unexplained, but whatever, yo. Free food. Speaking of, I need to go take a shower so I don't smell like Panera when going there.
woot.

Hi.



It's been awhile.


Remember how I was working way too much? Yeah, I continued to do that for about two more weeks. But now- now Walgreens has cut hours and I only work there two days this week. Seriously. Can't we find a happy medium?

Maybe two weeks ago Suzie was here and a door-to-door salesman knocked on my door. He was selling a shitload of good stuff from this new hairsalon. And we fell for it. I mean $20 for two haircuts, some clarifying treatment, some conditioning treatment, some gloss thing, an eyebrow wax, an image consultation, and a haircut for a friend? I found out that their haircuts are $12, so after the two haircuts it was already a deal. Heck yeah. We have five months to use all of the stuff, and today is the first day of it. Chrissy, Suzie, and I all managed to have the same day off. So today is Free Haircut Day!!! Woot! Exciting news. I hope they do a good job.

It's extraordinarily sad that that's my only new news. I could tell you about the crappy customers that come into work, but that's just as sad.

Um....
My mom and sister came up here for my mother's birthday. We went to Bennigans and there was a balloon guy there and we made him make her a happy birthday balloon hat. I made her a cake that looked like it was made whilst on the crack-cocaine. I'm serious. I put this white sprinkle/type shit on it and it was foul. Plus the icing I got to write on it sucked so it was pretty much retarded. But it tasted pretty good which makes it all mildly ok.

I have yet to tell them about my upcoming living situation. Don't really know when I'll tell them. Perhaps while sitting around Thanksgiving dinner?
M: "What are you thankful for, Sandra?"
S: "The cheap rent I'll have next year. Living in sin is very economical. We'll be sharing the bills and stuff. Oh, yeah, and a bed."
M: *insert the sound of my mother passing out and landing in the mashed potatoes*
S: "Hey, mom. You got a little...a little schmutz on your face...mom? Ah, never mind."

END SCENE