Today was kind of a tough one for me...bear with me, kids. One year ago tomorrow my dad died, however it happened on a Tuesday morning, so I woke up this morning and realized this. I thought too too much about it and cried a lot. I wrote my paper for poetry, drove to school to give it to my teacher, and then left. I came back home to study some for biology, but went to sleep instead. I then came back to school for stats and to take my bio test, and I'm sure most of you noticed that I wasn't all there. Chrissy and I went to the zoo and Subway, but I just had to go home after that. I couldn't stick around for my next class, or anything else (sorry, Chris). When I got home around 2, I went straight to bed and woke up about 10 minutes ago. My sister figured out awhile back that when I get sad, I sleep. This time last year, I know I slept a good 27 hours straight. I hate to cry, so I think sleep helps me escape from the world and keeps me from crying all at the same time. Now don't worry and think that whenever I go to sleep, I'm sad- I tend to do that when I'm tired too. When you need to worry is when I go to sleep at odd times for a long time.
So yeah, most of you don't know what happened with my dad. He just died. No heart attack, no stroke, nothing dramatic. He just went to sleep and never woke up. He even worked until 11 pm the night before he died, so it was all unexpected. I can accept death when there isn't suffering, which is why I thought I was ok with him dying...everyone has to do it, but I just miss him like crazy. He was the best dad ever and he loved my mom, sister, and me so much. If God had to take a dad, why couldn't he have taken an abusive father who didn't care about his kids?? Why did He have him die when he did?? Dad won't be able to see my sister or me get married, he won't be able to see his grandkids...more importantly they will never get to know how awesome their grandpa was. I could talk to him about anything- he let me vent to him about Mom, and now I don't really have anyone to do that with but this stupid blog. I know I have all of my fantastic friends who will listen to me, but opening up is just so hard. It's been even worse since he died. Everything has gone to crap- my concentration, my memory...
As for that, it seems the only thing I can remember clearly is what happened from Easter of last year 'til the day he died. Easter was the last time I actually saw my dad for a good amount of time, because I went to school during the day, and he worked later in the evening. I just remember him being so upset with me because I had to work a long day on my birthday, and he wanted me to get it off so we could go out to dinner, but I was being stubborn and didn't want to get it off. I told him that we could celebrate it some other day...
Well, that day never came. He didn't even get to see me turn 19. He died three friggin' days before my birthday. I don't want them to be, but I know that every birthday from now until forever is gonna be crappy. Thanks a lot, God. You couldn't have taken my father away from me on some generic day in July or something?? I've never been super-religious, but nothing makes you question your faith more than the crappy timing of death.
I heard this song right after he died, and it's quite fitting...yes it's Dashboard...bite me!
"For Justin"
It's been a year now since you were here now And
I've been trying to heal inside Dedications have all
been placed And I see your resemblance in my
face And on our birthday I said an extra wish for
you (for you)
And I have learned so much since you've been gone
And I have done so little for so long So now I'll
settle up my grievances And focus on the savory
And wave all these discrepancies away And I'll
peter out these misconceptions Give out faith at
my discretion Live a life that you would think was
sane (sane)
Displaying changes That they have made And I
wonder if you ever really wanted it this way And in
your memory they even hung a plaque for you
(for you)
And I have learned so much since you've been gone
And I have done so little for so long. So now I'll
settle up these grievances And focus on the
savory And wave all these discrepancies away. And
I'll peter out these misconceptions, Give out faith
at my discretion Live a life that you would think
was sane (sane)