I like this one.

1. Makes you wish you knew how to dance: "Hey Ya", Outkast
2. Makes you happy: Wow, lots of songs....hmmm- I'm gonna go with "Why I like You", The Amazing Killowats and "Tiny Dancer, Elton John
3. Reminds you of an ex-lover: If I had one, I think that "Freakish" by Saves the Day, or "3 Libras" by A Perfect Circle would probably do it.
4. Reminds you of an ex-friend: "The Places You Have Come to Fear the Most", Dashboard Confessional
5. Makes you cry: Not cry, but makes me sad- "Testing the Strong Ones", Copeland
6. Makes you laugh: A lot of songs, but I'll say something by Queens of the Stone Age
7. Makes you ponder life: I'm not that deep
8. You never want to hear again: MAROON 5
9. You once loved but got sick of: "Everything's Fine", The Red Hot Valentines
10. You love by a band/artist you hate: I really don't know.
11. You sheepishly admit to liking: I'll admit what I like. Hanson, what??
12. You'd do anything to see played live: I really want to see Death Cab for Cutie live.
13. Reminds you of your childhood: "President of What?", Death Cab for Cutie
14. Sums up your teenage years: "Doot Doot Pause Doot Doot", Reggie and the Full Effect
15. Most people like but you hate: I don't much care for Coldplay
16. You love the lyrics of: "The Pharmacist" - Hot Rod Circuit
17. You used to hate but now love: I don't know, I'm pretty hardcore about my music. I can't think of anything that I used to hate, that I still don't hate.
18. Is best played in the car: Ben Folds, OKGo, Plain White T's, Dashboard, anything on the Vagrant CD
19. You like to fall asleep to: "Movie Script Ending", Death Cab for Cutie
21. You love, and that you wouldn't know if it wasn't for someone: Even though Chrissy and Suzie got the CD long ago, Zach got me into the Ataris.
22. You love the video more than the tune: I wish I watched TV more.
23. Is good to listen to while holding hands: "Losing Lisa", Ben Folds and "Echo", Incubus
24. Makes you think of sex: "Closer", NIN.........that was dirty
25. You love to hear at clubs: Um, "The Club Song", by The Ravers....???
26. Is not your "typical type" of style but you love anyway: Do I have a "typical type"? Oh! I know- "Bartender", Hed (PE)
27. Reminds you of your siblings: "A Better Version of Me", Rainer Maria
28. Reminds you of the one you want but can't have: I don't know if this applies to me, but "3 Libras" is such a good unrequited love song
29. You can sing really well: I sing pretty mediocre, but "The Luckiest" by Ben Folds isn't quite so butchered.


So, I was supposed to go design Suzie's interior today, but I can't. I am way behind with school stuff. Ok, photo stuff. We have stuff due this week, and it isn't working out for me. Rar!! I know I'll get it all done in time, but right now I'm stressing out. Wowza.

I saw Grant Vaught last night. He does exist!!! I miss him in film art. There's only about 7 people in that class now. Boo. Chrissy and her mother also came in last night, but we got crazy busy so I couldn't chat for long. That's cool, though, because I like my job.

Two sad things- 1. we only have one of the leg lamps left. *tear*, 2. we're out of the Aqua Teen Hunger Force DVDs. Sorry to Jessica and Brian...


"...and when all tomorrow brings is a set of broken wings, it takes bites out of your insides 'till you are just a hollow shell."

Trippy trippy.

Happy Turkey-Genocide Day!


Ok, so I don't like Thanksgiving. I never have, really. It's not just because of the mass turkey killing- it's a lot of things. I especially hate it more without Dad. Yes, there I go again talking about my dead dad. A lot of people get depressed around the holidays, don't they? Crap. I'm conforming to society.


Happy thoughts, happy thoughts, ha-ppy thoughts.....


I guess I don't have any. Oh wait, yes I do- the only thing I like about Thanksgiving is Adam Sandler:

"Turkey for the girls and
Turkey for the boys
My favorite kind of pants
Are corduroys"

I'm home for once. What's up with that? I'm so tired though. I stay out too late, but I don't care. I'm having a good time when I am out so late.

Last night, for instance, was a great time. I love going to movies with a big group of friends. It's so fun! I especially liked that we were the only ones in the theater so we could all comment to one another, even if we were sitting with six people in between us. I got to see everyone who was home, and Jessica brought penis cookies! Suzie licked my head, and I liked it. I'm not gonna elaborate on which head, but if you missed the fact that I had a penis cookie.....

~sidenote~ As I was typing licked and liked, it made me remember that I used to switch the two around all the time when I was in second grade. It's ok when you switch liked with licked, ex: She liked (licked) the ice cream cone. However, it's a bit awkward when switching licked with liked, ex: She really licked (liked) that boy. All innocence is lost. I know I did this when writing to our pen pals. I believe I once said, "I lick you. You're really cool." I don't think she ever wrote me back. Whatever, I didn't lick her anyway.

My new job rocks my world. Not only do I get a discount at Suncoast, I also get one at....brace yourself....SAM GOODY. Heck yeah!!! I probably shouldn't have said that- bring on the requests. The first thing I intend on buying is one of the leg lamps from A Christmas Story. I've posted what it looks like many moons ago, but because it's so terribly tacky, I'm going to again:




Isn't it hideous? We have smaller versions of it, but still- it's fabulous. If I order it from here, I can get it in the box marked FRA-GI-LE (it must be Itallian) and get a certificate just like in the movie. Someday I will get the bigger leg, but for now I will settle for a smaller version of smut.

I likes the smut.

~What to do? Sweetheart, you'll find- mediocre people do exceptional things all the time~


I made a cake today. It's pretty fabulous. When Zach and I went to Gep's birthday party, Amy made a yellow cake and it was so darned tasty. She inspired me to make one. It's not as good as her's because her frosting was homeade, but I think it could hold it's own in a fight with a bunt cake. I don't even know what a bunt cake is...it kinda sounds like something I would throw at someone.

It's Thanksgiving break time, and that means that everyone and their lover is home. Huzzah! Unfortunately, we RCC kids still have school until Wednesday. What a load of bunt cake. Everyone should come visit and have fun on the couches. It's where all the cool kids hang out. Either that, or in Mike Huff's office- he has condoms in there. Tempting, eh?

I think I'm going to enjoy my job. My boss is so super nice. It's gonna be quite a relief to have a boss who isn't a major pervert. I mean, I like Mike and he's never been directly disgusting with me, but he is a pervert for sure. The only thing I'm not gonna like is seeing everyone from high school, because you know what everyone does when they come home for a break, right? Go to the mall, because there's nothing else to do. That, and their mommies will buy them things. I saw two of them at Wal-Mart last night (guys from high school, not mommies) and it weirded me out because I hadn't seen them in ages. We didn't converse, but we all gawked at each other because we're weird like that. I should have given them a Mike Hagan gawk, but that would make people move away from us at Subway.
...that was an "inside joke". Only a few would get it, making it "inside". Jokes such as these make some friends feel left out and others feel left in....thus, the foundation of a cliqué. Sometimes these jokes are so funny and inside that people laugh about them for 15 minutes straight, 15 years after it happened. I wish you all with the best of inside jokes, because they are good times indeed. Yay for segregation.

Yesterday was Amy Turner's birthday and I did not know it. I'm a terrible friend. It was even her star birthday- 21 on the 21st. Oh well- HAPPY LATE BIRTHDAY, AMY!!!


I'm gonna go see A Perfect Circle on December 10th! It's gonna be so awesome!

I am employed again!!! Viva! I work at Suncoast at the mall. Jessica and I can break together during the winter break. Yay. I didn't even have to have a second interview, that's how cool I am. Actually, I'm pretty sure they're just hard up and need to hire me right away. I start work tomorrow. Booyah grandmother!

This brightens my mood a bit. Good thing, because I was starting to not like myself so much.

That's all I've got, I just wanted to put some good news on this thing for once.

Yippee!!

I had such a fun time last night. I went up to Peoria to visit Suzie with Chrissy and Colleen. While I was there, we also hung out with Beth, her cousin Jenn, Brian, and Michelle. We went out to eat at Ruby Tuesday's and had the dumbest waiter. First of all- his name was Luther. The second I heard that, I knew there was going to be heckling, and heckle we did. The poor guy hated us by the end, but we had a great time. I really miss being in a big group of girls that I like, and one guy (wasn't that always the way it was?) and just laughing and laughing. I haven't laughed that hard in awhile. I have fun all the time, but the opportunity hasn't been around for me to laugh that much. I want to laugh so hard that my sides and cheeks hurt, my eyes water, and I'm out of breath at the end. That was a daily occurance back in the day. Boo to growing up.

I left before any serious drinking went down, and I'm glad I did. A lot of Suzie's sisters came over, and I looked at them (most of them being the exact girl I don't like) and their "going out" clothes and it made me realize that I just don't like that sort of thing. It's fun for some, but not for me. Besides the exploding eyeball, it's probably part of why I'm a non-drinker. Too much hooplah. If that's what you like, then drink up and have fun. If I'm around, I'll take care of you when you get back if you've had a little too much.

So, the Outkast song "Hey Ya" makes me shake my butt like no other. I hear it when I'm in my car, and I go nuts. It's worse than "No One Knows" by Queens of the Stone Age, worse than "All My Life" by Foo Fighters, worse than Ben Folds, and worse than ANYTHING by Hot Hot Heat. Now that's bad, because when I listen to Hot Hot Heat- ooh dang do I shake it. However, I do not "shake it like a polaroid picture". It's the feel-good song of the year, that's for sure. Who can be in a pissy mood when they hear that song? I can't!

Now what's cooler than being cool?
ICE COLD!!

I'm not necessarily done being depressed and pissed off, but I am done blogging about it. I'm gonna try to go back to being happy-scampy Sandra.

Last night I saw the band that Zach and Jared rant and rave about...The Infinity Room. They are UNBELIEVABLE. They are just as awesome as the boys have said. They're so creative and talented. It's so great to be able to witness a band that, hopefully, will go on to bigger and better things. If they don't, it's a shame.
I also realized the benefits of being a townie last night. Even though Zach, Jared, and Dan were coming after I showed up, I went to The Spec with full confidence that I would know someone there, and wouldn't have to shy away in a corner until the guys showed up. I mean, even when they got there, I looked around and still knew a lot of people. I'm definitely gonna be such an introvert when I go to Chicago, especially since the only person I know up there is Gretchen. Now, while I love Gretchen, she's 30 and has a kid. I want to meet people my age. I get so nervous around people I don't know. I probably won't say a word to my roomates for at least a week. Yikes. I'm thrilled about going, but it's bittersweet since I'll be leaving all of the cool friends I have made this past year. I guess I still have them for nearly a year so I don't know why I'm whining about it right now.

angstyangstyangsty

I might get to see Chrissy and Suzie tomorrow!!! AT THE SAME TIME!!!!!! I believe the last time that happened was at Post Cram Jam, but before that- who knows when. I miss my Whit girls. I can't believe we've been friends for 15 years. Who does that?? We're weird, but that's why I love us.

I've got nothing else. I'll leave you with a little diddy that's been in my head quite a bit. It's not happy, which is why it's been in my head:


You were the mother of three girls so sweet
that stormed through your turnstile and climbed to the street
but after conception, your body lay cold
and withered through autumn and you found yourself old

Can you tell me why you have been so sad?

He took a lover on a faraway beach
while you arranged flowers and chose color schemes

Can you tell me why you have been so sad?

The girls were all there; they traded their vows
as they tenderly kissed and cut the cake
the bride then tripped and broke the vase
the one you thought would span the years
so perfectly placed below the mirror
arriving late you cleaned the debris and walked into the angry sea
and it felt just like falling in love again

"Death of an Interior Decorator" -Death Cab for Cutie

Thank you, everyone, for the comments. I didn't think I needed a cheering squad, but I guess I did because reading them made me smile and feel a whole lot better.

So things with my mother are not any better. She called the minister from her church to come talk to me. Not us- me. I'm seriously thinking we need family therapy. She doesn't fucking listen!!!!!!!! Anyway- he comes over when she isn't even home, and we talk. He basically tells me that I don't have a problem, it's my mother which is what I knew anyway. Mom is having such a hard time with Dad's death and she assumes that everyone else is having the same reaction. I would try to sympathize with her if she listened to what I had to say. Whatever, I'm done with her. I want to leave and say, "Someday we'll reunite on a very special episode of Oprah, but until then- Fuck you."

I'm not always this angry, I swear.

Happy thing- today is Erin Childers's birthday! Yay!!!

I have a job interview with Suncoast today. It's the second-to-last place I wanted to work, but money is money, yo. I'll suck it up and sell you a DVD.

I was thinking about what Suzie said about mothers developing selective hearing. This is totally true. I think it develops when the child is able to talk. I know this because EVERY mother at the zoo seems to ignore their child. A kid is all, "mommymommymommymommyMOMMY!!!!!" and the mom is finally, "WHAT do you WANT?!?" and the kid says, "That insect is from the phylum Coleoptera." and the mom says, "That's neat." and continues to ignore. Good lord! You're child is 3 and is classifying insects. You better start paying attention, because when he discovers a new evil and venomous beatle- he may just name it after you.
I want to be a mom, but I don't for fear of fucking up my child's life. I don't want to end up like mine.
This leads me to another thought. What is a person's personality made up of? My sister and I being my own little behavioral experiment, I think it's about 60% genetics, 40% environment. I say this because I'm adopted, and she is not. In most ways, I am nothing like my mom and sister. They can be the exact same person sometimes. In other ways, I can be just like them. Irrational bitchiness, insanity, and shrill screaming being the ways. In some ways I'm more like my mom than my sister is. That way being my messiness and unorganization- Tammy is an anal neat freak, Mom and I are not. For the most part, Tammy and I are not at all alike. We have different tastes in everything, but still get along quite well. This is because we have good listening skills. She has a crappy memory, but at least she listens. She and I both think we got that from our Dad. I think I got a lot of things from my dad, because I liked to spend time with him. When he was in his room watching TV, getting away from Mom, I would join him and we would watch shows together. For awhile after he died, I couldn't go in there and watch TV because he wasn't there. I really miss that. I miss watching Jeopardy with him. We would actually play along and keep our score up with the contestants on TV.
Alright, so I guess this leads me to the fact that I have really been missing my dad these days. Dad would have been really excited for everything that's been going on. My sister has been excited, but I guess it's not as gratifying as hearing it from a parent. If I don't have pent up abandonment issues from being adopted, I certainly have them now from the mother who raised me. My sister told her last night, "You're pushing Sandra away. Everyone sees it but you." I'm pretty sure that didn't sink in with her. Luckily I'll be rich with this interior design gig and will be able to afford real therapy when the time comes.

Yikes.

my mother, the bitch

My mother, the bitch, and I have had a two-day screaming fest. She is being mean, so I in turn, am just as mean to her. Yesterday, I finally got an over-the-phone interview with the head of admissions at Harrington. Things are going swell until my mother, who had been listening, INTERRUPTS. Who the hell does that????? She asks questions and pretty much ends the interview. Luckily the lady worked with it. She was nice and then proceeded to say some really nice things about me to my mother. "You should be proud, she seems very responsible, she's got a bright future...." We get off the phone, and my mom says to me, "Well, you sure have them fooled." What kind of thing is that to say??? With that one sentence, it was like every little bit of happiness I had left from the interview, and every shred of high self-esteem I had for myself was all wiped out of me. I don't get hurt be people's words very often, but this is my MOTHER, so I was extremely hurt. That was mean, so I went off on her. I told her I hated her, I didn't want to live with her every again, when I'm gone next year she'll never see me again, she's a terrible mother, she's selfish, she's rude, she doesn't listen, she's unsupportive, and she's a bitch. She then, of course, played the pity card. "You don't know what it's like to lose a husband. My mother died, my husband died, and now my father is dying. Don't you think that's a lot to go through?" Then I yell at her, of course, "You don't know what it's like to have your dad die when you're my age!!! You still have your dad!!!" This gets me nowhere, because apparently she took this as me being resentful towards Grandpa for still being alive instead of Dad. NOT the case at all. That seemed to be the only thing she heard out of the argument. The rest of the argument was pretty much repetetive because she doesn't listen. I hate her. She then goes downstairs and pretends to forget that I've been screaming and crying and hating her, because she comes back and says, "Are you gonna clean the carpets?" Why in the hell would I want to clean her fucking carpets after that?!? Who is she?? She gets all mad at me because I won't, and then my sister calls me. Dang, do I love my sister. I vented to her, and she was a supportive caring sister who still has a little hope for her big failure of a little sister. I then get out of my house, around 4pm, and don't come back until about 2am. I shopped until Zach got off work, and then moped around with him. I'm happy to have him. If I didn't, I probably would have been in one of my depressive, epic-long sleeps. Sad and/or depressed = sleeping to escape what's making me sad and/or depressed. I'm pretty sure that's not healthy, so yay for Zach. Yay for friends who like me. One example being Aaron Stanley. He doesn't know it, but that little phone call he gave me after I "snubbed" him, was the first time I laughed all day and it made me realize that people like me and think I'm an ok person. Fuck my mom and what she thinks.

So, this morning, I come down to take a shower, and my mom says to me, "You need get out some of the anger you have. I know you're angry about your grandpa- " Me: "What about Grandpa?!? Where did you get that?" Mom: "I got the impression that you're angry that he's still around and you're dad isn't. That's what you said last night." Me: "I didn't say anything like that! YOU are the one I'm angry towards. I'm over dad being gone. I've accepted that it was his time. YOU are the one I'm angry with. YOU are my problem." [insert repeat of last night's argument here]

Why doesn't she listen? Why doesn't she see that Tammy and I were, comparitively, a good set of daughers? Why does it seem that everything I do isn't good enough for her? Why can't she say one nice thing, even on days when it isn't her birthday? Why doesn't she trust us?

She is the ONLY person I have ever known who makes me feel like crap. Mothers are not supposed to do that. Some people should not be parents.

I had such a fun weekend. While I like my sausage time, I certainly enjoyed all of the tang time I got this weekend.
What?

I didn't say that.


...yeah. I did. Yay for tang!

Jessica and I did so many things! First, we watched Finding Nemo and decided that we should have a Finding Nemo movie night over Thanksgiving break. Pencil it in, kids! We then went and vented it up, Taco Bell style. It was fabulous. We then came back to her apartment and made cookies for Brian Marley, Mike Hagan, et. al. Well, she made the cookies (from scratch!), and I decorated the containers. I got to meet her roomate Kevin, who is wonderfully funny. I enjoyed Kevin. When we were done with the cookies, we went to The Copper Dragon to see Maggie Speaks. They were a fun band, but a lot of obnoxious drunk girls were there.
BEST PART OF THE WEEKEND: Jessica elbowed a drunk girl in the back of the head. Not enough to hurt her, but enough for Jessica to move her head forward with her elbow. The girl was so drunk, she had no clue, and then proceeded to reach up and grab the guitarist's penis. How rude! He was a nice guy, too. He talked to Jessica and me. Jessica told him that it was my first time hearing them, and he was like, "You're a Maggie Speaks virgin?!? Well, it's prom night, baby!!" Good times. He took our picture, so look for us on the Maggie Speaks website in the near future. We'll be the cutest girls on the sight. Sober and cute, not drunk and slutty. Friggin' whores.
Yay for good times in Carbondale.

Stephy and I stayed in. We ate pizza and "watched" X-Men. We then watched Trading Spaces, and wept as Hildi screwed up another room. I dislike that woman. The entire room was black, with a bright yellow dining set, and boiled eggs in vases. Who does that?? When I'm on Trading Spaces, I will never do anything like that. We then tried to go to sleep, but were awoken to the worst sound in the world at about 1:30 am. Someone pulled a fire alarm. I hated the sound, I hated the spastic strobe light, and I hated being woke up!!! Dumb college students with their dumb sense of humor. Dumb. Then, today, we went to Union Station and ate and shopped. I got a stuffed Pearl- Nemo's squid friend from Finding Nemo. She's soft and adorable. I also got a Trading Spaces book. It's fabulous.

That's my update. Everyone listen to 102.1, The Alien, when you're in the Southern Illinois area. It's the best station ever!

I haven't blogged in quite some time. You can't blame Zach either. I barely saw him yesterday, and still didn't blog. Yowza.

I'm talking to Sean and BJ right now. I have never talked to either one online before, and baBAM! They both IM'd me within five minutes of each other. How odd. Sean wants me to stop by when I'm in Champaign. That'd be nice if I were ever there. I will, though, I promise. You, me, Zach, Chrissy, and anyone else I know in Champaign. It'll be a partay!

Yesterday was my mom's birthday. She was pleasant and easy to get along with. Everyday should be her birthday. I painted a vase for her and we got her lavender roses to put in it. She liked it too. Maybe that'll show her that interior design is for me. She's been quite the bitch about it all, and quite frankly- she can piss off. Not nice of me to say of my mother? Well, you can piss off too.

Sorry- that was mean. That's what she does to me. I can't stand that woman.

I may be getting a job at Kohl's. I went to a pre-interview thing last night, and if they like me, they'll call me within a couple days. It was the last place I wanted to work, but now I kind of want to so I can get a good discount on this dining set I want. It's friggin cool, but kind of expensive. It's currently 50% off, but that doesn't mean anything because it's still expensive.

I'm neither deep nor insightful these days. Blame my mother.

I GET TO SEE JESSICA AND STEPHY IN A FEW DAYS!!!!!!!