I saw Erin Childers and Terri Giller. We had ourselves the bestest of times.

I am done with school.

I am soooo out of my old apartment.

I am living happily ever after in my new apartment.

I am home right now. Give me a ringy dingy.

I am going to give you a ringy dingy.

I have a toaster.

I don't have a shower curtain. My bathroom hates me.

I hope I see Ben and the Scovill Zoo posse while I'm home. He promised me a game night.

I will have at least one Mike Hagan sighting while I am home, or else I will curse him with a flesh-eating bacteria that focuses on genitals.

I will see my girls and we will giggle.

I will see my Zach and we will snuggle.

I will relish in the free food my mom will feed me.

I will relish in the free food Zach's parents will feed me.

I will probably blog less often due to the fact that I am too poor to afford internet by myself. That's sad news.

I need a job.

You are cute, but then again you know that. =)

Happy Holidays.

Lckypengin: just know though... the best gift you could ever get me would be...
pinkandorangefun: an asian prostitute?
Lckypengin: hahaha i'm joking
Lckypengin: asian or mexican
pinkandorangefun: i'll see what i can do
Lckypengin: yay


Zach has a thing for asian chicks, and a newly aquired thing for mexican chicks. He's staying away from my new maybe friend Myra Almarez. She's one cute little mexican. However, I AM 1/24th blexican. That's got to count for something, right? Right?

So, I was talking to Myra today in drafting, and she asked me where I said I was from and when I said around Decatur, she was like, "Isn't that where those kids got into a fight or something?"

Damn you, infamous Decatur. We do not, in fact, like it there. We like it here, in everywhere but Decatur. And by "we" I mean every fortunate soul who managed to escape that hole. I scared everyone in my computer class today because I did a power point presentation on the growing risks of water pollution, mainly in Decatur. You can get a cancer from the drinking water you know. Or a miscarriage. Or both. Even guys can get a miscarriage from drinking Decatur water.

I'm excited about Myra. I haven't said anything about her before because everytime I say I've made a friend, it turns out I didn't. I thought I did, but it just didn't work out. I didn't want to jinx it, but she's a whole lot of fun and really one of the few girls at my school I can stand for more than a class period. And she's from Chicago and lives in Chicago. And she also has a love for Gael Garcia Bernal. And she also hates girls. And she also hates girls who talk about themselves the whole class. And she's 23 so she's over the excessive partying, but still likes to drink now and then. And she's silly and laughs at things I laugh at. And she heckles THOSE girls with me. And and that's all I've got for now, but I want her and I to be friends. That would be nice. I'm going to help her with some drafting on Friday, so I plan on being like, "Hey, Myra. How 'bout we be friends outside of class. Whadya say, pal?" Or something excessively less dorky.

Also, there's this other girl named Oumie Jatta who called me tonight to help her with drafting. She's a lot of fun too. She's from Africa and I can't understand her sometimes, but she cracks me up when I can. She says "this is bull shit" a lot. Imagine that with a thick African accent and there you go. Now you know why she makes me laugh. I had two classes with her, so I saw her a lot. She's married, though, and that's a toughie to make friends with. Everyone knows how that goes. We'll see though.

A mexican girl and a black girl as friends? It's about time I represent. Hollah!

I'm done now. The last week of classes is always the best week of classes. Too bad the best couldn't have come sooner, but whatever. If I'm meant to make friends with Myra and/or Oumie, then it will happen. They have friggin' cool names. Who wouldn't want to be friends with them?

For Ben: love splice....our new word for camel toe. gross.

Sometimes in the morning I am petrified and can't move.
Awake, but cannot open my eyes.
And the weight is crushing down on my lungs, I know I can't breath.
And hope someone will save me this time.
And your mother's still calling you insane and high
Swearing it's different this time.
And you tell her to give in to the demons that possess her
And that God never blessed her insides.
Then you hang up the phone and feel badly for upsetting
Things and crawl back into bed to dream of a time
When your heart was open wide and you loved things just because
Like the sick and the dying.

And sometimes when you're on, you're really fucking on
And your friends they sing along and they love you.
But the lows are so extreme that the good seems fucking cheap
And it teases you for weeks in its absence.

But you'll fight and you'll make it through
You'll fake it if you have to and you'll show up to work with a smile
You'll be better and you'll be smarter and more grown up
And a better daughter or son and a real good friend
And you'll be awake, you'll be alert, you'll be positive though it hurts
And you'll laugh and embrace all your friends
You'll be a real good listener, you'll be honest, you'll be brave
You'll be handsome and you'll be beautiful.
You'll be happy.

Your ship may be coming in.
You're weak, but not giving in
To the cries and the wails of the valley below.
And your ship may be coming in.
You're weak, but not giving in.
And you'll fight it, you'll go out fighting all of them.

"A Better Son/Daughter", Rilo Kiley.


There's a song for everything, isn't there?

I am so excited for this week. I have all of my projects done (minus one, but it isn't due until Saturday, and it aint no thang). And let me tell you, my design foundation project rocks your ass. We had to come up with a pattern with a color scheme, and mine ended up looking like a kaleidoscope. A bitchin' kaleidoscope. Is it bad that I feel so smug when I look at Andrea's project that was a series of squares and stuff? I often feel smug when I look at her stuff and then look at mine. I'm not saying that she isn't good at this stuff, because she is, it's just that I'm just so much better. =)

Yup, I'm an egotistical ass, but I'm just telling the truth. I am so good at this interior design game. Woot!

I did my laundry the other day over at my new apartment for $1. Damn commies over here with their $1.25. Who do they think they are? The only things that are keeping me from just living over there are cable, internet, and bed. Maybe shower curtain, but that's just a silly detail. I might add toaster as well, because I've found a new appreciation for toast since I've lived here, but I just ordered one $12 toaster via the internet and it's heading there from the Kohl's wherehouse as we speak...or maybe during business hours. I will have a toaster! ...and a shower caddy. Internet shopping is a form of the devil.

I'm excited to be home. I will be home Monday, for sure, if not Sunday. I'm debating whether or not to go to class Monday. It's that freshman seminar class that I've skipped a billion times. He said that he wasn't expecting many of us to show up, but I have this fear that attendance will count as 50% of the grade, and if I miss one more time I will fail a stupid freshman seminar class that didn't do anything for me. I think I'll go. Because I'm afraid of the man.

kaleidoscope =)

So I'm sitting here at my computer. To my right is our little Christmas tree. Under the tree are two presents. One says "To: Andrea, From: Ash". The other says "To: Allison, From: Ash". That's it.

Why am I moving out again?

See, I've been feeling bad about not buying any of them presents because I've been poor. I've even come up with good, impersonal gifts for them of gift certificates to Pearl (the art store down the street). They were going to be for $7 each. Because I'm much too poor for $10 each, but no so cheep as to just make them $5 each. Now I just don't care.

I could see Allison getting me a present because she's a swell gal, but then again maybe not. To verify that fact, I just went into her room because I remembered her wrapping presents when I came home. On her bed were two presents, one to Andrea and one to Ashley.

I have no words. Yay to moving out.

I got my sister a tool box for Christmas because that's what she asked for. I put it in an out-of-the-way, but visible spot in the living room. It's been there for a week, minding its own business. When I got home today it was in my room. This happens a lot. Stuff of mine that I leave in the living room that does no harm to anyone always ends up in my room. Does it really bother you that much? Once, I even put something back, but it ended up yet again in my room. Do I move your laundry when you have it strewn about the living room, drying out? No. Do I move your homework when it's ALL OVER the table? No. Do I move your coats that are always on the couch? No.

I blend in with the scenery, didn't you know? I'm not even given a notice for a game of Uno. How 'bout that?

*insert worthless scream here*

By "we" you mean "everyone but Sandra", right? Sometimes I think there's hope, but I don't even know why I bother.

One more week.

So anyway...

I might have been a little harsh on myself, but some of the things did make sense to me.


Andrea asked me if I was moving out. I told her yes. The news spread like *that* because today I saw Matt at school and he was like, "so I hear you're moving out." Makes me giggle a little. Ashley and Allison have been pleasant. Haven't really talked about it, but pleasant nontheless. Andrea has been even more awkward around me than usual. I think it drives her nuts that I haven't gotten the whole cable bill situated yet and I move out in a little over a week.


I signed my lease at my new apartment today. I got the keys and can start moving stuff in and I'm not getting charged until the 18th. That's awesome. I moved over a few things today that I don't use every day. I filled up my big suitcase and headed over. Andrea huffed a little as I did it. The apartment isn't as small as I remembered. I could totally have a couch and my bed in it. My bath/shower is mini, but it'll do. I just won't have a shower curtain until we come back on the 28th, and I doubt I can fit comfortably for a bath. Maybe I'll just shower and wipe down the bathroom afterwards.
...gotcha all excited thinking about me in the shower, didn't I? Pervert.

I also have so much more closet space than I remember, so woot for that. My refridgerator is so cute. It's small, but has a place specifically for my pop. A built in fridgemate of sorts. It's big enough for me. My oven is also mini, but it's sooo cute. I'm way smitten with my new apartment. The view isn't as pretty as my current apartment, but at least the sun won't be blaring in my face in the morning.

I think I'm going to move more over there tomorrow. Viva!!!

So I'm not moving on. I went back and read blog entries from the days of yore. From mine and from Chrissy's secret blog. They really made me sick to my stomach. It's a viscious circle we live in. I realize now that I am in a similar place to where she was last year. Not exactly the same, but similar. I'm a huge hypocrite for acting as I did. I have no right. I am a selfish and disgusting person, something I've always known, and have admitted, but not REALLY. I'm at a vulnerable place I have never been at before. My cozy little support system is nowhere near me. I always felt I was independent. No, I know I'm independent. This is just the first time I've been set free to prove it. I have this underlying fear that I'm going to fail miserably at this game. That I was caged up for too long, and now that I'm free I don't know where to go or what to do. So I run to what I know, and when what I know isn't there for me, I throw a big fit. The same, big, selfish, things aren't going my way fit I always throw. I like to tell myself that I wasn't spoiled because my family has always been more or less poor. As far as material items go, this is the absolute truth. Emotionally, however, I am a spoiled brat. My mother, as fucked up of a mother as she is, will always be there for me. My dad was the most supportive person in my life. Him being gone has been a tragedy. My sister is selfish as well, but she has this place in her heart for me that looks after me and cares for me when our mother isn't there to do it. Then there are my friends who know me the best. We're all fading away from each other and I just don't know how to handle it. They seem to be handling it just fine. I've done my fare share of fading, and when I snapped and realized it too late...it was just that- too late. Because I've never truly not had someone there for me, I've taken everyone in my life for granted. I've fluttered about, hurting those as I go, assuming that no matter what, they will still be there.

What the hell was I thinking? I've been blessed with such loyal people in my life and give them no credit. I try to make them seem like the bad guy, when all my life it's been the other way around. I've never been betrayed- I've been the betrayer. I suck out the life of others. They get swept up in my evil energy, I feed off of it, and disregard what happens to them. I think it would be wise if people stayed away from me. I'm no good for your self esteem. You think I am, but I'm not. I'm a tricky, devious leech. Not to sound wacko, but I feel like Regina George in Mean Girls. As much as people realize that I'm evil and no good for them, they can't help but want my attention. Those who know me best will agree completely. I don't want that.

I think this is one of those life lessons no one can prepare you for. I should write a self-help book for my kind. I'll entitle it So You Realized You're a Selfish and Sneaky Manipulator....it's about time, bitch. Get Over Yourself!. I think this might be me doing a little of that growing up thing I need to start doing. I need to accept things that don't go exactly to plan. I need to take responsibility for my actions. I need to clear the path ahead from my jaded take on reality.

I know it's only the ninth of December, but I'm making some New Year's resolutions: To be the humanitarian I know is deep down inside me. To stop dwelling on the past and take a look at how bright my future is finally becoming. To not fear change so much. To appreciate what I've got, even if it is too late.


heterosexual life partner

*tear*

If I were a Sim, this is what I would look like. Pretty close, huh?

One more explanation, and I will move the fuck on. All I've done lately is work on all my last-minute projects and think and dwell on why I'm a psycho. I understand that we all aren't able to please everyone, and I didn't expect you to rearrange your life for me. Since I've been here, it has been one empty promise after another. People are always full of crap when they make plans. They either don't invite me along, fizzle out, or they leave me behind all together. When no one was able to come, all of a sudden the people who have never dropped me so easily were everything I dislike about the people I'm moving away from. So I flipped out and brought out every issue imaginable. Sometimes I'm a moron. I'm sorry.


Now that that's overwith I had a dream a few nights ago that my real parents were black. Future psychologists, what does this mean? Do I have a secret longing to be black? What is that about? As I'm getting older, I'm kind of getting more curious about what my real mom is like. I often wonder if she was as big of a mental case as I am and realized she probably couldn't handle a kid, ergo- I was adopted. If she is anything like me, it was a wise choice. I probably would be much more fucked up than I am already. Thanks, biological psycho mom. You're a peach.

So the roomates bucked up and invited me to see a movie with them. They knew I wanted to see it so how very nice of them to let me join them. We saw Closer. It was really great. It was kind of depressing, but those are my favorite kind of movies. CJ of Customer Service and whatever other bands he's been in since then looks so much like Clive Owen, it's creepy. The entire movie I kept thinking, "if CJ were British and 40- this is what he'd look like". Actually, even though his character was a sex-crazed manipulator, he was kinda sexy. Don't quite know what that says about me, but there ya go.

I went to the huge public library downtown today. My heart went pitter patter when I got inside. It's enourmous and beautiful. I don't know if they'd let me do some of my projects there, but I don't see why not. I wouldn't do the painting stuff there, but I'd definitely do the others. It was so quiet and the smell of old books was about. I love that smell.
I also skipped my freshman seminar class today. I've been to it a smidge over half of the time. I'm getting an A. Don't know how that works, but then again my teacher is elderly and deaf. In that order.

I STILL haven't told the roomates. I'm such a putz. Yikes.

Things are smoothing over. That's what we do. We throw stones, get defensive, throw stones back, apologize for throwing the stones, forgive, move on. Lather, rinse, repeat.
I have a response that didn't fit as a comment, so here it goes:

It's so strange how we all view each other. It's strange how everyone views other people for that matter. The thing Chrissy said about having to invite herself along made me chuckle. They always made the plans. I never made plans, and still don't, because I felt/feel like I'm imposing on others lives. I know I'm fun and all, but I still don't feel like I'm worth bothering someone to join me. This is something I need to work on, otherwise I will never make new friends. It's a lot harder here than it is at other schools. This isn't a place where I can meet people in the dorms. We don't have sororities to join. We have three organizations, and I've only heard about them twice. I signed up for the environmental design group at the beginning of the year, but I must have gotten lost in the paperwork because I never heard anything after that. I could just suck it up and go out to the bars with the roomates, but I hate that scene. I've never liked it. Bars are only fun if I'm seeing a band. There's a handful of people in my classes that I would hang out with, but I just don't know how to go about starting a friendship. I don't know the hip cool places to hang out at yet. I don't have money like I used to to go out to eat anymore. If they wanted to go to a bar, I would grudgingly agree, but what about after that? My school just isn't like any other I've ever been to. It's a lot like Richland, but lacking in the social factor. It's basically a tech school. We don't have a campus. We have a building. Plus, a lot of the people that go there don't even live in Chicago. They commute from the suburbs, so they all already have their own little lives that would be hard to get in to. Even if I did, how would where would we hang out? They take the metra (a train that isn't the subway/el) to get to Chicago. That's a little much to ask of anyone. To them, making a trip to Chicago is a hassle. Then there are the people that go to our schools that live in our apartment. All of them, even the underage nerdy ones, are soley into getting trashed. "If you want to party, come to 14N".
Just think about how you've made all your friends. Then think about how/why I haven't made any. I have a genuine fear about not meeting anyone to relate to. I'm not just being my usual shy self.
As for knowing each other the best. This is true the most true statement. How else would I know exactly what to say to piss everyone off? That was the super mean side of me that can leak out. I know I let it out in the wrong form, but I've never been good at doing what is supposed to be done.

In other news, I'm not going to take a break from blogging. I'm an addict. I have a few things other than my emotional rants to talk about. For now, however, I really need to work on a project. I have sixteen things to do on it, and have only done three. Slacker much?

Before I go: Andrea woke us all up this morning blaring Perry Como singing Christmas songs in the living room. ...why else am I moving out???

I have to tell them tonight. Wish me good luck with that.

I lied about taking a break. Just one more.

We have to get in our once-a-year super drama, don't we? I acted "childishly" with my previous blog, but I built up a lot in this weekend. And when people started dropping out one by one, it hurt deep down in my stomach. I became an irrational upset. It felt like all of a sudden I was easy to shrug off. "I don't actually have to see or hear how hurt she is, so this will be easy to forget about it." It was a last minute cancellation which made me feel like you all knew about it for awhile but didn't have the heart to tell me. I wouldn't have been this upset if it got cancelled awhile ago, even if it got cancelled last week when you saw me. Was I really supposed to just let you pat me on the head and be on your way? I'm sorry I wasn't the pushoever I tend to be.

It's just, I'm so not happy socially here. I can't stand my roomates, I don't know how to make new friends, the girls at my school are bitches, and the people that I love and miss the most all managed to coordinate a weekend to come see me. I was elated. Then all of a sudden that was over. Bring on the lonliness.

To clear up why I didn't want you to come up that other weekend was NOT because my boyfriend would be here. He is helping me move and then driving me home. It's not some elaborate sexy weekend. I will still be in school when he comes up. We loaded up my stuff that can't be taken on the train in his van last week. Frankly I wouldn't know where to put you or how to entertain you. It'll be a bunch of unorganized boxes in a little studio with just a mattress in it. I wouldn't even have a tv so we could watch movies.

As for finding fault in the people we're becoming. Are we all supposed to just stand back and watch? I don't know about you guys, but I would like for our friendship to last for ages. If we don't call each other on our shit now and then, we will steadily drift away. That would be tragic if it were to happen. I don't want you guys to just be a happy memory from the past. I want to keep making those memories. Friendships are something we all take for granted.

Long distance relationships are tough, I'm learning. Relationships of all types. I feel like no one wanted me to come here. That it was too far. I didn't even leave the state. It was my turn to leave and no one wanted me to do it. I have been a different kind of happy here. That whole seasonal depression hasn't even gotten to me yet. It's finally my turn to grow up and shed my skin, but somehow I felt like I wasn't allowed.

Moving here has been one ridiculous hassle after another, and it all built up and finally blew up when you guys couldn't come. I apologize for what I said. I love you and who you are becoming. I accept all of our faults even if I don't understand some. I would understand if you were angry at me. I would understand if you didn't want to see me. I was hurt and will get over it eventually. I have to.

Last night I had some random little thing I want to tell Chrissy and Suzie. I had this urge to talk to them like I get, but was afraid to do it because of what I had written. Just like that I was over it and wanted to talk, but I couldn't. I don't want that to happen again.

I am sorry.

Now no one is coming. How 'bout that?


I miss being important.

That whole invisible super power I have is absolutely amazing.


Now it's calling out time which may seem mean and spiteful, but I'm dissapointed. Not JUST dissapointed, upset dissapointed,hurt feelings dissapointed,brushed off dissapointed.


Everyone: You should have planned ahead. I warned you that the ticket prices would go up or sell out fast. You knew about this in OCTOBER. Freaking ask off for work, get stuff done early, freaking bring it here, whatever. Don't act all giddy and excited about it if you knew you still had glitches to work out.


Stephy (even though she doesn't read this anymore. she's online 70% of the day, but yet she "can't keep up with the blogs"...): It's like pulling teeth to get you to do anything with us. It's a struggle to get you to bend the rules a bit with the boy we've only met one time. It's like you're still in the "my boyfriend is everything in the world to me" phase...STILL. What's going to happen when you get married? Will we never ever see you again? Kinda seems like that would be ok with you. It seems like hanging out or visiting is only good when it's convenient for you and only you. Bend the rules a bit. It's ok to do that.

Suzie: Oh, Suzie, how I love you so, but we lost you a long time ago. You've been gone ever since you moved to Peoria. We're just a side note. Somewhere deep down I knew that you wouldn't end up coming, because that's what you do. It's always something. Does Rilo Kiley ring a bell? Does every holiday break you've had since you moved into the house ring a bell? Decatur isn't that bad, you're mother isn't that bad. Get the fuck over it. I don't think I have too high of expectations to want to see you, but sometimes I don't know why I have expectations at all. I understand the we grow up and apart, but stop pretending to want to make it all work out. That's the saddest thing I've ever written.

Chrissy: You are a victim of circumstance and I know you are as dissapointed as I am. Even though we drive each other crazy when we're around each other for long periods of time (your year at RCC, and you know I'm right), we still try to make time for each other. You seem to make more time for me than I do for you, but I realize that and will work on it.

Jessica: That last sentence goes for you too. I feel like I could be a better friend sometimes.




I feel like I am dissapearing off the planet. Is it really that easy? Out of site, out of mind, right? Even things with Zach are totally different. I'm just keeping up hope until the day he realizes that he doesn't really miss me after all. I feel like moving to Chicago was a bad idea. I'm not moving back, and if losing everyone bit by bit is the result, then I guess I have to brace myself for it. Just suck it up and deal.



This is the first time I've done this, but I'm going to take a break from blogging. You don't deserve to know how my life is going.

It's December already. What is that about?

I have two weeks and a day left of school. Because they are all once-a-week classes, this means I have only two left of 4 and three left of 1. That's insane. I have soooo much to do!

I don't care. Chrissy and Suzie are coming up this weekend. My Jessica and my Stephanie will not be able to attend. That's sad news. The three of us will have ourselves a time though. That's not sad news.

I haven't much else to say. I move in 17 days. Now that everything has gone through and everything is done but the actual moving, I'm slightly apprehensive about it. I know it will be for the best, but I think I might go a wee bit crazy since it's a bitty little studio. At least I will be by myself. The only time I am able to be by myself now is when everyone goes to sleep. Someone is always there!

Note to everyone: make absolutely certain that the lady who takes care of your dogs will not be strolling through while you and your boyfriend are in the hot tub...and if this were to happen, make sure that everyone is clothed.

...not that that happened.......because it didn't and certainly wasn't the most embarrassing thing in the world...........or the most funny and slightly ridiculous............

dang it.