I'm in a fantastic mood. This is great since I've been so down lately. I know it's because I finally see something good down the road. As much as I like Chicago, it just seems like I've been blindly trying to swim my way to the surface, but I can never seem to make it. I left my water wings somewhere between Macon and Chicago. I hope it was Bloomington, because if it isn't- I'm going to have to come up with some better analogies....because this one was pretty lame. I did fill out and send off my ISU application today, and will send off my Harrington transcripts tomorrow. Yay.

Mike Hagan is apparently moving to Bloomington as well. He and I are going to be neighbours. Brittish neighbours. I am going to get to stick things in his ears, get this, on a regular basis!! Happiness is sticking things in Mike Hagan's ears. And that's a fact. You should try it sometime. He likes it.

I failed to mention that I'm a brunette again. More like a blackette, but you know what they say- once you go black...
I also failed to mention that I have recently gone buck wild on my spending habits and bought a hair-straightener. Let me tell you- I am so hot with straight hair. I need a haircut though. My hair was growing all nice without the awkward transitions, but now- now it's reached that transition. Viva la hair-straightener?? I have to suck it up until I come home. Home! I come home in exactly one month from tomorrow. March 24th. Mark it down on your calendars kiddies, because I won't be home again for another month after that. But then I will not be in Chicago again for a long while, so if you don't see me then- don't fret. I will be available to soak up everyone's awesomeness starting the end of April/beginning of May.


You don't know how awesome your ness is.

To me, love is...

-laying around in bed, whispering and giggling even though you don't have to whisper, forehead to forhead, arms wrapped around each other, holding hands, sneaking kisses, managing to fall asleep at the same time, and if you don't- watching the other fall asleep
-holding me and waiting for me to get out what i have to say, letting me cry and freak out and fluster about, and finally letting me just write it down and read it to you
-remembering important things
-constant
-having it all rush back the second you touch
-not to be separated for over a month
-something that cant be taken for granted
-something that still needs to be reaffirmed and shown even after two years


So these are my thoughts on the Chicago-leaving situation. I think I really need to do it. I think that if I don't, I will be pretty freaking miserable. I think that I'm just not ready to be this grown up yet. I've only been here since September, and I have racked up more debts than I ever have before, and that stresses me out too ridiculously much. I don't think I'll regret it, because I can always come back when I'm done with school. When I have a real job and can afford to live here. I'm just so tired of the Chicago hooplah. The rich kids that go here and judge you for having a job, and if they dont judge you for having a job, they judge you for having a job that isn't in the industry. I'm sorry i dont have rich parents who will pay for my school and my rent and everything else I need. And I know that I shouldn't let them get to me, but dealing with it day after day will get to anyone. Also, the people at work bug me too. I like them, but they all asume that because I'm a young white girl not living with my parents, that I am rich and my parents pay for everything. I get judged and stereotyped no matter what I do, and its really getting to me. I need to be in the company of people who have poor parents and feel guilty about having to mooch off of them sometimes. I need to be in the company of people who dont take money for granted. I need people to relate to. I also need to not mooch off my mom so much. I absolutely hate asking her for money, but I have to on a regular basis. It makes me sick because I only had to do that in cases of emergency back home. And then I would pay her back when I could.
So thats my decision. I'm going to tell my mom tonight that I want to leave here. That I have to leave here. That I will try to sublet my apartment by May, and if that doesn't happen, then I will break my lease and pay her back when I can. Because breaking my lease will be much cheaper than going here another semester and being miserable. So I won't get done with school when I wanted. Big deal. I need to be happy. I need to do something that makes me happy.

Among the obvious, I have a lot of other things on my mind.


The biggest being going to school and moving somewhere closer to home
why:
#1- Chicago is ridiculous amounts of expensive. I can't afford to live here, I really can't. EVERYTHING costs so much, things I need all the time, like groceries. I spend about $40 everytime I go and it seems like I get about 8 items. I'm buying stuff I use for awhile too (milk, eggs, bread). I seriously have not bought anything but food since moving to my new apartment, minus an ugly pair of shoes for work because mine were not cutting it in the comfort department.
#2- The way my school works, it's like I can hardly have a job, especially going full time. My classes go from 8:30-12:30, 1-5, or 5:30-9:30. There's no in between. I could have all of my classes in the morning and then go to work at 2 or something, but nearly everything closes at 6 around here. The Walgreens I work at closes at 8 and isn't open on Sundays, so I only work Thursdays, Fridays, and Saturdays. I could go to school part time, but then I would be going to school for another 3 years or something, plus I would have to pay for my transportation. $1.75 a ride back and forth every day adds up. I was broke over Christmas vacation because of it, so lord knows how broke I'll be for a whole semester. I figured it up and with the hours I am working, I won't be able to afford to pay my rent every month, let alone afford to eat.
#3- I have no friends. The people that go to my school suck. In fact, the people of Chicago kind of suck. Everyone is nice and all, but it's all a little too ritzy for me. I'm too "fancy" for Decatur but not fancy enough for Chicago. I need a happy medium. I mean, I enjoy living by myself, but it would be nice to be able to get out of my apartment and go hang out with someone or something. I'm too far from the people I love. I need friendship on a regular basis.
#4- I really miss having a car. Lately, I have wanted to just up and go somewhere like I used to. Just drive some random highway or country backroad. I feel so tied down and restricted here. I can only walk so far and explore so much without getting shot.
#5- I will admit that I am happier here than I was at home, but I think I would be happy anywhere other than home. I am still pretty depressed though.

So with that said and done, I am seriously looking into ISU. I know, I know- but my sisters friend went there for interior design and she's making some serious money in St. Louis now. She is a liscensed interior designer and works for a big firm and everything. Plus, she would probably be a really good reference to use when I'm finally out in the real world. I checked out there program and it's a lot of things I am taking right now, so many things will transfer. Woot to that. The tuition is a million times cheaper and I would probably get more financial aid. Plus, I just checked the prices of some apartments in Bloomington/Normal and a two bedroom- TWO BEDROOM- apartment with a dishwasher, balcony, laundry room, and dog ok is only $485 a month. I pay $608 for a studio with a bedpan sized shower. You do the math, my friends. I won't have to worry about a job either since I could probably transfer to any Walgreens, and they can't bring my pay down so that would be awesome.

Here's what's holding me back right about now-

#1- Me giving up and giving in. I feel like this is just going to be a cycle. Things get tough and I quit.
#2- Everyone saying I told you so.
#3- Breaking it down and thinking that I really might be doing this just to save me and Zach, even though I don't think that's the case. It's a smidge of the case but not all of the case.
#4- My lease goes until January of next year. I don't know what it is to break my lease, but I'm pretty sure it isn't pretty.

I don't know, kids. Tell me I'm crazy. Tell me that I don't need to go through the hooplah again. Tell me that things will work themselves out. Tell me that its all in my head.

...or tell me that you miss me and will love me no matter what I do.

I love Chicago, but for whatever reason its just not working out for me like I wanted it to.

A vague, but probably obvious rant:
Why does distance have to be so hard? To me, it shouldn't even be an issue anymore. So really, is it even an issue or do we just say its an issue? Two years is coming up and it should be eventful and fun. I'm probably overreacting like I always do, but frankly I'm dreading what is to come. Too much talking, too much crying, not enough love. Something has to happen. Something has to change. If not, the worst change might happen, and I don't want to deal with it. How quickly things can go from happy to mad/sad. Fix it.

It's animal cracker time.

I'll give you a dollar if you know where that is from.

So it's Valentine's Day, and for some reason I don't care. Maybe it's because of work yesterday. People flying about trying to get a $3.99 box of expired chocolates. Throwing valentines and cheesy stuffed frogs with hearts on the floor and leaving them there. Throwin' bows for roses that smelled like ferrets- and trust me, they did. People would smell them, wince, put them down, look at the price, pick them back up, and go "these are lovely!". Yeah, lovely for $9.99. Especially lovely if you're going to give them to someone who you will love for one night, and one night only at Hotel Wacker.

Wow, rereading that I sound way angry. Why am I so bitter? Strange things are happening.

Erin Childers hooked me up with room pictures. She is awesome.

Does anyone else like The Killers? Because I do.

Despite Erin's logic, I am skipping class today. I have been working too much and haven't completed my work for today. I suck at life. This is the first time I have skipped this class. This is the first time I have skipped class this semester. I have a million other important things to do rather than go to class anyway...like sleep...and laundry...

Speaking of laundry. I am a mess. My apartment has my clothes thrown everywhere. My sink is filled to the brim and then some with dirty dishes. My garbage in both the kitchen and bathroom are filled. You would think that I would have learned my lesson when this happened once before and I came in and my apartment smelled like dead ass. I haven't learned that lesson. Perhaps when I actually find a dead ass under the mess, I will learn my lesson. I promise to have the hole cleaned when guests come. That will be in a few days. I'm pleased as punch for guests.

I am making my own tile. Go to BISAZZA and do the same. It's a good time, let me tell you. I am going to have a mod green and tan kitchen. Seriously, kids. What else would I have?

Brian Marley apparently called a ton of people at 5 in the am on his birthday. That's the second time someone has called me and woken me up. Mike Hagan was the first. I cussed at them both. I cuss because I care. I hit because I love.

So I am whoring myself out to many a Walgreen's store. Last night I worked at one that was waaaay up north because they needed someone to work and my boss gave them my number. While I was there a manager of another store came in and somehow it got mentioned that I don't actually work at that store, and then she was like, "Do you usually hop around from store to store?" So I said not really, but the store I do work at isn't open on Sundays, so why not. Then she got all excited and was like, "would you want to work at my store on Sundays sometimes?!? Belmont and Central?!? People are forever calling in on Sundays!" so i gave her my name and number, and that was that. The store I was at loved me. The manager begged me to stay another hour. I'm a slave to the man, so I said yes. I don't think they really loved me. They were just hard up for help. That's the nice thing about Walgreens. They are EVERYWHERE in Chicago and all of them are basically the same. I guess I probably have a job for life. When in doubt, go to Walgreens. Mike Hagan, why didn't you just beat it into me to work there so long ago? Walgreens is awesome.
Something else occured to me last night while I was there. My past jobs have been at places that have been number one at something at some time. Suncoast and Old Navy, and my current Walgreens store. I was looking at the stats in the back of the store I was at and it was nowhere near number one on anything. Because of this, the atmosphere was soooo relaxed. They don't have any pressure on them to be number one all the time. They are the stupid child who gets praise for doing a good job now and then, not ridiculed for screwing up sometimes. This made me decide, and I knew it all along, that I don't want to work for a number one corporation. I want to look for jobs that are like eight or nine. I probably won't get paid as much as I would working for number one, but at least I won't want to kill myself or other employees. I don't want to be number one, I just want to be sane.

That's my story.

First of all, I would like to say happy birthday to my Chrissy and my Suzie. I'm going to be a jerk and say that I am happy that you are turning 22 before me. That's so old! I'm not looking forward to my 22nd, but I hope you guys have a very merry one. I will try with every ounce of my heart to give you a ringydingy. Happy birthday, lovies!


Now I would like to ask a favor of anyone with a digital camera. I need a picture of a room with a couch and at least one chair in it. A window also needs to be in the background. I don't care if you are embarrassed about how crappy your decor is. I don't care if you have random stains on your furniture. I'm going to be redoing it, so get excited for helping me. Also, make sure it's from an ok distance away. Don't zoom in on a couch or anything. I need to see the whole room. It has to be from a real room, so please please help me! I also have to have it within two weeks from today, so that gives you kiddies some time. Don't just asume someone else did it either- I want many rooms. So everytime you're in a room with a couch, chair, and window- take a picture and send it to me via the e-mail. My e-mail is as follows: sandy4123@hotmail.com or sjgoaley@hotmail.com. Either will work, just help me. please!please!please! I plan on sending an e-mail out as well for help. I'm desperate!

In other news, I've discovered that I have cable of some sort. I moved my furniture around because I was bored, and decided that if I was going to get cable that eventually my tv would have to be close to where the cable comes from. So I get it over there and turn it on, and a few channels were kind of coming in, and I didn't even have it hooked up. Let me tell you, I was excited. I hooked the baby up and have been watching tv ever since. I watched Gilmore Girls, for the love! I watched Friends and Will & Grace. Basically, I've been a WB whore, but who cares! I have TV!!! It was funny because it was 10:30 or so and I was like, "what comes on after the news...???" I totally forgot that late night shows (Jay Leno/Conan) comes on after the news. I got soooo excited that I was going to be able to see Conan O'Brien. He made me laugh so ridiculously much. Probably more so because I haven't had a good laugh in awhile. MTV2 comes on as well, only without the sound. How strange. This morning I turned it on and got to watch, brace yourselves, THE SMURFS!!! It was a very special Christmas episode of the smurfs. Why Christmas, I don't know, but I squeeled. This was at 6:30 in the morning on some random station, so there's a good chance that 0% of you will catch the smurfs at that time.

I didn't realize how much I missed TV. It probably wont last long since I never watched it too much to begin with, but since I haven't had it for well over a month, I'm engourging myself with basic cable. I'll probably even watch the random spanish chanels that come in...just because.

I get to see my boyfriend in 9 days!!!! I get to see Chrissy and Joe in 10!!!! Viva la human contact!!!

I came to this computer with a purpose- to do some crap for my textiles class. What do you think I am doing?

This morning was a sad day. I ate my last egg, my last piece of cheese, my last english muffin, and my last glass of milk. My refridgerator is baren. The only thing left in there is 1/4th of a jar of Newman's Own Pineapple Salsa, and I don't even have any chips to eat that with. Unless I want to eat it with a spoon. A spoonfull of salsa. Mmmmboy. I have a few things in my freezer that I don't want to eat, and a few things in my cabinets that I don't want to eat. *crankygrumblefrommytummy*

The details on the OkGo show are as follows: Saturday, February 19th. $12. I would really love to go, but $12 is a wee bit too much. I can't afford food, let alone a $12 rock show. Plus, the venue is apparently a really "small space that will sell out fast". So we shall see.

What else do I have to say? Oh! So, the other day at Walgreens, I was practically the only employee working and this really normal guy comes up and buys some Mike & Ikes and an orange soda or something. I ask him if he wants a bag and he mumbles something, so I say "no bag?", and he yells at me and says, "I said put it in the bag!!! Cheapskates! I pay good money for that bag!" So I apologize and put his candy and pop in a bag while he mumbles something about the devil or satan and then says to me, "The devil is good, girl" in a slingblade kind of voice, and then he snatches the reciept out of my hand and then continues to mumble something about the devil. Let me tell you, I was scared. Just me and this angry devil guy, who bought Mike & Ikes- which I find to be amusing. I imagine if devil guys were to eat any kind of candy, it'd be black licorice, because that shit tastes like sin.

I love you. I miss you. I want to hump your leg.

Two blogs in two days? What the eff?

I feel the need to make a list. A few lists. Chrissy was my inspiration, so here it goes:

Things that make me happy:

-girls who wear bright green/orange/funkyingeneral coats unapoligetically
-when Zach calls me. not when I call him- when he calls me.
-getting mail
-strangers who have one amazing facial feature. I want to tell them that they have a great nose, or the best lips, but that would be creepy so I won't.
-my perspectives and renderings class: a) my teacher is awesome, b) there are FOUR boys in that class, two of whom are not gay, both of whom I have "befriended", c) we draw the 1st half of class, then color the second half. It's the best class
-natural red heads. I gaze enviously at their pretty hair.
-my late-at-night door man. He's so small that he can barely be seen when he's sitting. I always think he's not there and am like, "who just buzzed me in?? Oh! Tricksy door man!"
-all the funky, unpronouncable names all the kiddies have around here
-being employed
-taking over a computer in the library or atlier and staying there for hours and hours
-reading old blog entries from everyone, good and bad ones
-EDIT, I would like to add Mike Hagan voice messages left to me at 1:36 in the am.

Things I hate:

-rich old ladies in full-length fur coats. Who do you think you are? Seriously! Fur trim, fur lining, I can understand and get over, but FULL-LENGTH ALL FUR?!? Spend your money on something not ridiculous. Like porn.
-the people who refuse to move on a full bus so everyone else has to budge awkwardly around them. JUST MOVE! you are going to get off the bus no matter where you stand!!!
-cab drivers who stare at you or honk when they think you want a ride. I'm waiting at a bus stop...waiting for a bus...don't gawk at me, ass!
-interior design hooplah
-teachers who can't teach. Dear Harrington, just because they were good at their job, does not mean you should hire them to teach it.
-my fundamentals of color class: a) refer to above, b) refer to above the above, c) it's the only class I dispise and dread going to, and the only class where skipping is not an option
-not talking to everyone every day
-not running into Oomie or Myra. Boo.
-realizing that lonlieness is loniless no matter what's going on in your life
-money. let's go back to dealing our transactions in sheep, land, and middle-eastern virgins.


I forgot just how event-filled February is. My sister's birthday tomorrow, then Chrissy and Suzie's, then Brian's, then Valentine's Day, then anniversary day (TWO YEARS. HOLY COW!!), then BJ's, then I think that's it. I'm sad that I only get to participate in one of the many events. I was reading last year's blog around this time, which made me sad because I was involved in a good chunk of these things. Oh well. Zach is coming up here for our anniversary. OkGo has a show up here for the first time in years, and we will probably go to it. I have a vent, but I'm not going to here. I'm feeling way melancholy, and don't want to cry about it in the library.

That is all.