I had this long, bitter blog with the random facts game. I had it finished and saved and was *this* close to posting it, but I decided against it. The facts were the same bitter angry thing written in 20 different ways. I'll give you a summary: I'm angry about the things that have happened in my life. I'm angry that I can't change how I feel about it. I'm angry that everything is backwards and will never be the same. I'm angry that my mom is not good at being a mom. I'm jealous of close and perfectly functional (Zach's) families. I get sad and cry over guilt. I wish I were a better person. The end.
It's kind of annoying to myself that I'm still so mad about the same things for so long. I know I am getting better, though. I know this because Dad's birthday was the 12th and I didn't get sad thinking about it once. Time heals, or something, but I've got a lot of healing to get through.
Here's a secret: I hatehatehate that the person closest to me has NO idea what I go through sometimes because he hasn't had anything overly traumatic happen to him. I'm jealous. Reeeeaaallly jealous. I get mad at him sometimes and make a big deal about some things, and he has no idea its because I'm jealous. I'm kind of resentful that I never had and never will have what he has with his family. When dad was around, things were so much better, but things were far from functional. My parents used to get into these huge fights and I remember always screaming and crying at them to stop it. I remember that dad would be miserable after fighting with mom and I would always be mean and yell at them to just get a divorce because they would be better off. I would spend the night at friends' houses all the time to get away from home. Chrissy and Suzie can tell you that their house was my second home. And while I love them to pieces, I was mostly there all the time to get away from my house. Same goes for why I am/was always at Zach's house. People I like are there and they are pretty great. Mom doesn't remember the bad times. She thinks the bad times started the day Dad died. Ha.
I hate that Zach can be like, "I want something. I'll see if my grandma will buy it for me and I'll pay her back." I could never ask my mom to buy me anything and then pay her back because she would hold it over my head forever. She's so mean sometimes. Really mean. Back in the day I needed a new fuel pump for the Geo, but I didn't have the money, so mom had to come to the rescue. I payed her back a little everytime I got a paycheck, but still owed her money when I went to Chicago. I never got around to paying her back. It's not like I didn't intend to, it's just that I never had money in Chicago. When I got back and she was all gung-ho on me getting a different car, she was planning on buying a car and having me pay her back, but I wasn't going to have that because she's a bitch and I'd rather deal with a bank than her. Of course we fought about this the entire time, and I finally got my way. We were at the bank looking into a loan and she says to the teller, "This way we'll make sure you have the money. I haven't seen any of the money she's borrowed from me. She doesn't pay me back." WHATTHEFUCK?!? If you have an issue with it, don't say it in front of an institution I am about to borrow money from. I was steaming. She's only this mean when she isn't getting her way. Another good example of this would be recently when my sister wouldn't let her stay at her apartment because she was having a bad week, and mother at her apartment with a dog that's having puppies was not what she needed. Mom said to her, "No wonder you can't keep a man. You have to have everything in your place and go your way. You'll never keep a man if you're going to be like that." Trust me, I'm glad I wasn't there. When Tammy told me this, it brought me back to the time when I was having an over-the-phone interview with an admissions counselor at Harrington and Mom got on the phone and butted in on the conversation. The counselor told my mom, "You must be very proud of her and her accomplishments...." and after we were off the phone Mom said, "You sure have them fooled!" What kind of thing is that to say to someone? Especially from a mom?
I'm rambling and venting I guess. Some people should not be parents. Then again, some people should not be the offspring of someone else. Of course the latter is impossible, but I think that I would have been content to have popped out of thin air at the age of 20 or so, already knowing how to function and what I need to do in life. I know I wouldn't be who I am that way, but the thought is nice. A clean slate is a pipe dream. A very dissapointing pipe dream.
I don't have a good reason for venting, I guess I just needed to. Mom was mean to Tammy and it bothered me that the three of us are still stuck where we have been. Personally, I am at a way better place than I was last year, or even six months ago. I see Zach all the time and things are wonderful. I see friends more often, I don't live at home, I rarely see my mom, and if I do have to go home it's just a little bit away. I like my jobs and the people I work with. I like my roomate and her boyfriend. I'm going to be going to school again. I could use some more money, but that's probably going to be an issue for the rest of my life. Mom and money. The banes of my existance.
Here. I'll do 20 Random Facts on the slightly-less depressing side now:
1- I miss the old days before college, booze, and boys got involved, but I am glad that things are getting back to that like not much has changed and we can still all just look at each other and giggle, knowing what the other is giggling at.
2- I hope we that we can be old and senile, but when they ship us off to visit each other in our nursing homes, we can still look at each other and giggle over stupid stuff. Orderlies will come in and tell us to be quiet and people in the hall will wonder what is so funny and if they ask us we won't be able to tell them because we are either giggling too much or it actually wasn't funny at all. We're just together and laughing. And that's what is important.
3- I wish that everyone were able to find that one person they are supposed to be with right away. I feel bad because I'm in a happy, perfectly imperfect relationship, and my sister isn't. My single girl friends are all having boy issues. And I have no idea what to tell them. Except...
4- Boys are terribly stupid, no matter what age they are. No matter what 'type' of boy they are. No matter how perfect. No matter what kind of situation they are in. They are all the same, and they are all stupid.
5- I've become a big fan of frappacino's and donuts. This is a recent development and it's kind of weird.
6- I drink pop directly from the 2-liter.
7- I drink milk directly from the carton.
8- I only put it in a glass when people are around so they won't yell at me and tell me I'm gross.
9- Working at Walgreens has made wary of what could happen to me. i.e. "maybe I should take such and such vitamin, just in case?....how are my eyes? are they healthy?....what about my cholesterol? should I take these pills?....should i breast feed when i have a baby? would i really be able to go buy nipple cream if need be? raw and tender nipples?! ew!"
10- I think weird thoughts sometimes
11- I love Mike Hagan because he reminds me of my dad so often. I don't love him like a dad or a brother or a boyfriend. I more than like him, so I love him. Like a BFF, only different. It probably explains a lot, and it will probably freak him out too.
12- He likes it.
13- I miss Chicago because of all the diverse people and everyone embraced each other. Bloomington is not like Decatur, but it is still not even close to being like that. A lot of Indian and/or middle eastern people/families come into work and I have noticed that my coworkers and managers have made comments or jokes and stuff, and they expect me to agree and feel the same way. Stuff like that just never happened in Chicago. At least around me and where I was.
14- I want to be famous.
15- My checkbook balance is very often in the negative numbers.
16- I am going to minor in Spanish. Mrs. Horne would be proud.
17- Besides the situation itself, she(mrs.horne) and Mr. Coate were the only people who made me cry at my dad's funeral. Kinda weird.
18- I love to play skee-ball. Tammy and I went to Chuck E. Cheese the other day and we played skee-ball. We played it good.
19- I like to sing songs that make me scream like a banshee. I like to do it and hear Zach say, "stop that! you sound like a banshee!" as if it's a bad thing. Too bad I LIKE to sound like a banshee. Eeeeeeee!
20- I have no memory of the last time I bought a CD at a store. I'm fairly certain the last one I bought was at the Rilo Kiley concert almost exactly one year ago. Zach stealing them off the internet for me is an entirely different story.
