Everything is ok.

Today is Zach's birthday. He's 21. Wish him a happy one, and I am going to be his designated driver. What a drunk.

Alright. I know I am a drama queen. And I still don't know if everything is "ok", but what I do know is that I will survive. It's just been awhile since my heart has hurt this much. It probably has never hurt this much, but it has been hurt a time or two before. I just know that I have the ability to be ok. I have some pretty awesome friends who will force me to be ok. Thanks, kids.
"that's just the trouble with long term goals- they're always being revised"

Happier times. Erin, Terri, Amy, and I took a trippy trip to Champaign. We got there around 4:30 for a Troubled Hubble show we thought started at 7, but turns out it doesn't start until 9, but really it starts at 10. Got that? We were there so early with things to do though, so it's not like we are super mega stalker fans. We wandered into the Champaign Surplus store, which is actually a "sporting goods" store disguised as an army surplus store. Erin got hit on and she was totally oblivious. She was handing out flyers for the Pedro show and this guy was like "is your phone number on that?" and she was like, "A phone number is on it............oh......" or something along those lines. It was still pretty funny though. For the rest of us.
Of course we had loads of time still on our hands, so we met up with their friend......Theresa (?????), and ate some Pizza Hut which was good since I hadn't eaten all day long. I don't know, I just forgot to eat. Weird.
I think the time was around 7ish, so we go to the bar- Cowboy Monkey, NOT the Lions Den. I don't even know how I got those two messed up. Anyway, we get there and we realize that we are uncomfortably early, so we roam around the area for awhile in the cold rain. We found an art gallery and a store that helps women in poor countries make some cash with their arts and talents. It's actually a pretty awesome store, and if I had some cash- I'd support it. We were cold, so we decided to go back to the car and sit for a bit, but Erin spotted the Troubled Hubble boys, and there she went. She missed out on some hardcore humping action. Did you know that with Amy Turner- no means now. That's way more sluttier than no means please. IIIIII like it. In the car I learned that Terri can shimmy like no other, and I am Amy's "racist" friend- "...that's why the brothers be in on the street".
We go back to the bar around 9, because that's when it's supposed to start, but we just get in for crappy sound checks for Nadafinga. "That's nadafinga..." "What's nadafinga?" "You don't wanna know". Nadafinga is pretty fucking terrible. Seriously, they managed to get douche bag in a song. Plus, just because beers, Britney Spears, and legs behind her ears rhyme- they do NOT belong in a song together. Perhaps a dirty limerick, but not a song. HOWEVER, David Gerkin was there. David "I'm the only former member of RHV who is not a gross drunk, and still pretty hot" Gerkin. He sat next to Amy. We all gawked...some of us squeeled. We got to make fun of Nadafinga with him and a couple of the Troubled Hubble boys. Funfun. After their set was over, we went up and wiggled and had fun to Troubled Hubble. Terri got checked out repeatedly by this cute boy in a red shirt, and I always caught him, and every time I did I nodded my head and gave him the thumbs up sign. But that was after she and Amy got a once over by a tragically unattractive lesbian.
After they were over, we met up with Chrissy and Joe and went to MerryAnn's Diner. It's a waaaaay cute diner that is so much better than S&S. They gave us mounds of cheese fries for $2.50! We all laughed and stuff- I ate Chrissy's whipped cream. Amy did something embarrassing, but I won't say what it was (spilled water all over herself, the table, and booth), but it was sooo funny.

And that was our night. It was a fun time, a time I needed. Woot.

*There are no bad guys in this situation. Girls just do this. They make the boy seem like the bad guy when he really isn't. Things just aren't going the girl's way and they need to vent. Then when the boy comes back around the girl's friends are like, "wasn't he a jerk?" and now the girl seems like a schmuck for trying to work things out with said boy. It's a rough business being a girl.


I just don't know what to say. When its over, its over. But what if you don't want it to be over? You fight for it to not be over, right? But what if only one side is doing the fighting?

Then what?

Give up? Give in? It's been a swell time- see ya later?

The balance should be equal. But what do you do if it isn't? Lay off until it is? Is it so wrong to have resonable expectations? Is it so wrong to expect something in return? I don't want to be mad or angry, but I am. I feel foolish. I feel tricked. I feel sick.

My heart is breaking so much.

I don't understand certain kinds of selfishness. I understand looking out for yourself and your needs, but I just don't understand not being able to think about how things will affect others. I can't even comprehend it a little bit. Maybe its the kind of selfishness that doesn't benefit me that I don't understand. I guess that makes me just as selfish, but I still don't understand. Am I really that easy to pass over? Apparently I am because it seems to happen more often than I knew it could. You're just not supposed to be one of the ones to do it. I just don't understand how easy it is to sit back and watch someone drown.


Boys aren't worth the hassle, some will probably tell me. They are, though. They have to be. This one is worth it. I guess I have to sit back and wait to see if I'm worth it? Doesn't seem too fair, right?

Life lessons are going to kill me.


I don't know how I manage to do it, but I always find a song for every situation. Here's a little diddy. The best song to listen to when your world is crashing down. You gave it to me, remember? Isn't that a great song, you said. Yes. Yes it is.


How can I just let you walk away,
just let you leave without a trace
When I stand here taking every breath with you
You're the only one who really knew me at all

How can you just walk away from me,
when all I can do is watch you leave
we've shared the laughter and the pain,
and even shared the tears
You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now,
there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me,
just the memory of your face
Take a look at me now,
there's just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against the odds
and that's what I've got to face

I wish I could just make you turn around,
turn around and see me cry
There's so much I need to say to you,
so many reasons why
You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now,
there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me,
just the memory of your face
Take a look at me now,
there's just an empty space
But to wait for you, is all I can do
and that's what I've got to face
Take a good look at me now,
I'll just be standing here
And you coming back to me is against all odds
Its the chance I've got to take
Just take a look at me now

Thank you, Phil Collins, for saying exactly what I am thinking.


It's not over, and I still have hope. I just hope it isn't in vain. And here I thought I was such a badass heartbreaker.

Ha.

Hey. I'm home now so I have time to putz around on the internet. Deal with it! =)


The best one: Purple! Your aura is purple!

Your Aura is Purple Your Personality: You're a dreamer and visionary. You believe you were put on this earth to do something great. You in Love: You're very passionate but often too busy for love. You need a man who sees your vision and adopts it as his own. Your Career: You need a job that helps you make a difference. You have a bright future as a guru, politician, teacher, or musician. What Color Is Your Aura? Take This Quiz :-)

You Are Fun Sexy You're funny, quirky, cute, and sassy. Guys always have a great time with you, and that alone is sexy. You've got an upbeat, optimistic spirit that totally shines through. Any guy would be crazy to turn you down! What Kind of Sexy Are You? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

In the book White Oleander (PS. Just read the book- the movie will break your heart because it leaves so many important things out), the main character, Astrid, finds a book on survival. There were two important stories she found, both involving shipwrecked men. The first guy was on the raft for a couple of days and a boat came along and found him. He was patient and knew that he would be saved. The second guy was on the raft for an unknown amount of time, but he panicked and killed himself. A ship came along and found the body still warm.

At first I felt like the guy that killed himself. I panicked and took the easy way out. I started to think about that a lot and realized that I voluntarily hopped off the raft. I'm being swept out to sea, but I'm not dead yet. Killing myself would be too easy. I'm waiting to be saved. The bad thing about that is I can't see it. I can't see the light at the end. It's all black and I'm drowning. The good thing is, I'm giving myself a chance to be saved. I just haven't found it yet.

I dont want to be the guy that kills himself.


Do you know that not one thing has worked out for me to leave Chicago, but yet here I am. I did this to myself. I thought that coming home would solve it all, but so far I'm not even close to being happy about it. I was slowly making friends there. Financially, I couldn't hack it, but I know that my mom was willing to find a way to make it work. Everyone at Walgreens loved me. Even the girls who didn't like me totally changed their minds and decided they liked me. In fact I went out to dinner with them a few nights after work. On my last day, my manager gave me two cards that everyone had signed and a gift certificate- a going away present. I was there for three months and I got a going away present. The zoo didn't even do that, and I was there for five summers!

My school was something else. I loved the classes and most of the teachers, and towards the end of the semester I had a few girls I would call friends. The school itself was a whole other story. It was a reason to leave. It was like it wasn't even a real school. It was a business disguised as a school. They were all about the profits. They were going to try to charge me a $100 withdrawl fee. They were also raising tuition to over $600/credit hour. Can you fucking believe that? As far as I know, I am withdrawn, but who knows.

My apartment is not subleased. I was going to have to break my lease, but because my mother is the deal maker that she is, my landlady is going to try to sublease it for me. We might have to pay May's rent, but it is way better than what it was to break it.

The day before I was to move out of my apartment, the freight elevator broke. We had to use the regular elevators and piss off everyone in the building.
Not all of my stuff fit into the van, so we had to throw out some things.

Tomorrow I am going to go to the Walgreens in Bloomington to see if I have a job. Because I dont know if I do.
Can you see why I think I'm drowning?

The living situation is also up in the air. The one thing that was going to work out for me didn't.
And there I go again. Swept under.
Just please please please dont find fault in yourself. It's not just you. You know who you are and what I am talking about. Mulligan?

I'm home.

I'm kinda blah about it.

I guess I don't know what I want. I really think leaving Chicago was totally a financial thing. I'll probably end up back there when I can afford it. But right now, I can't.

I'm really going to miss Walgreens. It was really the only place I made any friends. I could count on having a good time everytime I went there. Especially thanks to the cutest Chinese boy in the world, Stephen, whose heart I broke. That right there is a true story. I broke it on my second to last day of work. He found out for the first time that day that I was leaving, so I guess he felt the need to let me know he liked me. He walked me to the bus stop and waited for with me for my bus to come, and while we were waiting we were laughing and stuff, and he told me that I was cute when I laughed. I must have shook my head and had hair in my face because he moved it and said, "not just when you laugh." Boys are so strange. They go from laughy, laughy fun, to serious kapow just like that. Of course my voice got all shrill and I was like, "WHAT?!?" and then he was like, "I kinda want to give you a kiss, but you're leaving" and I was like, "Stephen! I have a boyfriend!" and then his voice got all shrill and was like, "WHAT?!?". Then he got this sad look on his face and was like, "You're leaving, I like you, and you have a boyfriend. I'm an idiot". (Did I mention that Stephen is from Hong Kong and speaks English just ok. He's real cute, so imagine all this from this cute Chinese kid with crazy hair and a thick Chinese accent). At this point the bus came, so I gave him a hug and was on my way. The next day at work, which was my last day, he wasn't awkward at all, thank goodness, and we laughed and had fun just like we always do. He left before I did and when he did, he shook my hand and said, "Thank you for shopping at Walgreens. Have a nice day." Which is an inside joke between us. I know I probably shouldn't, since he had a crush on me and all, but I'm going to miss him the most. He was just so much fun. Whenever he was on the registers when we were both working, he always called me to the front so we could giggle together and I could make sure he gave people the right change. And he would always make sure we had our breaks together where he would proceed to unkowingly gross me out by slurping whatever he ate. He could be eating chips and still manage to slurp them. I kind of suspected it, but figured it was all in my head and we were just having a good time laughing it up. I guess laughing and having a good time leads to crushes? Who am I kidding, of course it does. But boys dont get crushes on me so I was just doing what I do. Silly me. I guess everyone has the capability to be a heartbreaker. Just give it a go, kiddies. Just give it a go.

I could blog a bit more, and I will tomorrow. I just thought I'd share that crazy story for now. Especially since it has been awhile.

Check me out! I'm furniture!!!



Sandra Sofa

Just something I found for a project. It's really kind of ugly, and I'm so not into leather, but hey- "The versatile Sandra is available in a number of sizes including as a pressback recliner." That's right. I'm available in a pressback recliner. I'm so versatile.

I found my gusto, now I don't know if I have any time.


My birthday was much better than I thought it was going to be. I got to see Suzie! She came up to see the Cubs game with Beth, but it got rained out, so we went out to dinner and hung out for a bit. I was really glad I got to have human contact with a favourite, because it was really looking to be a lonely day. We had ourselves a time, even though she wished me a happy 26th. Seriously, 22 is bad enough thank you. Thanks to everyone else for the phone calls and such. I love you all!

I got a new cell phone. It's entirely too fancy for me, and I fear what my phone bill will be. It has AIM on it and I use it. I use it good. I have also found a love for ring tones. If you are a girl and you call me, you will play "Push It" by our dear Salt n Peppa. If you are a boy and you call me you will play "Brass Monkey" by the Beastie Boys. If you are a family member and you call me you will play "Song 2" by Blur. If you are someone I don't know, or my boyfriend, you will play "The Good Life" by Weezer. All of which make me shake my booty. Please call me so I can shake it. My old one died a slow and painful death, so the least you can do is call me so I can shake my ass in its memory.



Jessica is one of us now. This calls for a sexy party!



My apartment is popular to look at for subleasing, but not actually subleasing. Seven different people have come to look at it, one was *this* close to going through with it but apparently he can't get out of his own lease until the end of June. I am ok with that because he was a squirrelly little fella named Peter. PETER!! He looked exactly like that William Hung guy from American Idol, and he was just alltogether smarmy. But he was going to do it, so I had to deal. Unfortunatley (fortunately?) he isn't now. There's this one girl that lives in the building that seems really promising, but don't they all? They need to get their acts in gear because I move in a week! A WEEK!!!

I will be home in a week. I will be open for molestation at your convenience.

You like me better when I am in a good mood, don't you? I do too.

Has it really been this long since I have blogged? Holy wow. I haven't really been to a computer since then either.

I have so much to say and no gusto to say it.

Why is it the same every year? When will it get easier? I hate this time of year.


My birthday is tomorrow.

Neat.