Is EVERYONE getting married? Not gonna lie, it makes me pretty disgruntled. Getting engaged so quickly is like a plague around these parts. Some of my friends have gotten engaged like *that*, and they'll probably read this and probably get defensive and it's their life and they're happy with their decision and blah blah blah. That's fine. I just don't get it. I mean, I understand the whole idea that if you know deep down that this person is the one you are going to marry, you tend to get that feeling pretty quickly. But why get married so fast? Can't you just enjoy the person and get to know them? You are young. You have your whole lives to spend together. Learn to be independent of each other. Learn what you like to do when they're not around.
I'm not saying that I'm not happy for those out there who have gotten/are getting married/engaged really quickly. Because you seem elated, and that's wonderful.
I'm getting off my box so as to not offend anyone else or bring down the joy.
In other news, I'm sad. I've been crying a lot lately, and I hate it. Every year I think that it will be different. That I won't get depressed and I won't cry or have anxiety. And I don't have a good answer for why. Except that I feel like I have to. I try to fight it, I do. But I lose every time. It's been four years. You would think that something would be different. I will say that this past year has felt different. Like I didn't think about it or be sad about it as often. A few things have set me off, like this one guy who came into Panera with his daughter and he was acting just like Dad would and the daughter was acting just like I would. It made me miss him so much. I actually had to go to the bathroom and cry. That has never happened really, but man that guy and his daughter upset the crap out of me. I had lots of emotions about it- sadness, anger, jealousy... Other than that, things of that nature have been good.
Until now. I was fine until Mom and Tammy mentioned doing something "special" for my birthday. When really, all I want to do on my birthday is curl up and cry. I don't look forward to it anymore. I fucking hate it. I FUCKING HATE IT!!!! I just want to scream and make myself stop being like this every year. But I can't. I can't stop it. And that's what makes me hate it even more. I feel like I might need to see someone about it all, but who has the money to do that? Not me. And the time? Ha!
I'm bitter, I'm cynical, I'm sad, I'm jealous, I'm hateful, I'm hurt, I'm sad, I'm resentful, I'm nothing positive. I'm sad that no one knows how I feel, that I can't open up to anyone close to me about it, that nothing anyone can say can make me feel better, that it's the same crap every year, and that you all are probably sick of hearing about it, that I don't care if you are. I don't want it to be like this. I'm tired of faking. I'm over it. I'm over a lot of things. It's time for a change, because I have had it.
